2001-11-05 - 6:20 p.m.

"there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy"

"if ever any beauty I did see,

I don't know why I write. I have no specific reasons. Of course, the facts of life as they affect me have altered in these last few days (I shan't be able to leave for Toronto before July, maybe August). But a mutation in my plan doesn't in and of itself provide a reason.

So I glance within myself for an altered reason. If I do not write to you with one vein, or thought - I must say that there are many. I will try to list them. I will try to reconcile into a story the thousand divergent thoughts that collapse into a bridge, every time I see you. But before I continue, please allow me some hyperbole, these exaggerations, this mindless devotion to a childless god - hope.

I hope not to offend you. I hope to swirl, to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I hope never to sting. I hope to speak, once, if not to sing.

I write to you because you are happy while I float. I am afloat in one place, away, this never-never land, always to see, never to grasp, with dreams that never go away. I write because you smile with a charm and an innocence that will never disappear. I write because the world seems at one with you. I've only glanced at you briefly but you have Nature's aspect. Will you ever curve away?

I write to in a spirit of benevolence. I wish you well. But what force has ever a wish had when confronted with the weight of Time? While I write, Time is ensconced beside you - beside me. We are all human. We are all partners, far away but the same, blind witnesses to our own faceless descent. You and I and everyone else. We all fall down. We are all Humpty-Dumpty.

And one day there will be neither horses nor men to come to our rescue. If only we could live Life out within a fairy tale.

I'm telling you that the Light fades, but you already know this. I wish that a lisp of fortune could accompany these meagre steps. I step forward, meekly. If only I could step forward, ever-so-slightly in your direction and bask in your happiness and find solace in your smile. This is the stuff that dreams are made of...

So I will wish you happiness, plainly.

Yours, as ever,

troilus

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